


To Find A Self

by Anonymous



Category: EVO Minecraft, Hermitcraft RPF, YHS Minecraft
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Families of Choice, Gen, Grian accept that u have emotions 2k19, Its all about the re found family, NPC has trust issues bc coming out of the closet is scary, No Ship, No beta read we live in hardcore mode, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Trust Issues, read rusty and didn't find Grian and NPC fluff so I will write it even if it kills me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-27
Updated: 2019-11-01
Packaged: 2021-01-04 03:47:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21191036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: One last time, that was Grian's promise, one last try and he would let the matter to rest. He wouldn't try again.But something went wrong, something went very wrong.Now alone in a whole new world with an old bot, he will try to survive in this dangerous place...





	1. Grian + Technology = Disaster

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [rescuing rusty](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21052379) by [zeejacks](https://archiveofourown.org/users/zeejacks/pseuds/zeejacks). 

> Read "rescuing rusty" and after finding out there is almost no content of Grian and NPC decided to write my own.  
Summany is temporary will probably change it later lol  
I'm no native speaker so sorry if some parts are kind of weird, english is weird.

Grian knew he shouldn’t be doing this.

  
No, scratch that. Grian shouldn’t even be _thinking_ about this.

  
It was wrong, dear god, it was so wrong.

  
He had promised himself he would let the past go, he wouldn’t get stuck in his memories. He had promised Taurtis before, and he promised to himself that a few weeks after he had arrived at Hermitcraft that he wouldn’t commit the same error of Evo; he had vowed to not look back, not anymore.  
Look at him now, running around in circles after his latest plan had failed. He was a fool, thinking and making charts to see how it all would plan out.

He had his time, he had his memories and the more he tried to recreate them, the more it would hurt when it failed. He couldn’t go back, and the sooner he realized that he would stop hurting but…

  
It was just one time, Grian tried to justify to himself, just see if everything was okay. He… He needed closure. He just needed confirmation, that everything was good for them, that they were happy.

_(He needed to check that Taurtis was finally happy, finally free from this all tragedy he always brought with him. Taurtis had suffered too much, he needed to see him happy, just one last time, please jus-)_

He had tested the machine multiple times, trying with almost every hermit to see that it worked to perfection. In most cases the portal would not even be visible to the other hermits, he normally only used it on AFK people so if the portal was visible the hermits wouldn’t see it. He didn’t need unnecessary questions, not at this point.

He was more than 100% sure that nothing could go wrong. At least not this time, the third’s the charm, right?

He went around the first black crater, juggling the shulker boxes full of tools with extreme carefulness. Just in case, he had made a copy of his notes on the machine, it was hidden deep in his original base, where plan A was _(Don’t think about it, Don’t)_ so it was in the safest place he could think of. Nobody went into that base anymore, everyone almost forgetting it existed. It was for the better, there were things in that place that didn’t deserve to see the light.

Placing down the last shulker, he sighed, he felt dead so dead on his feet. It felt like forever since he has slept. Between grinding for Sahara, the whole hippie thing, he felt as if he was running out of time. It was a wonder he got time to gather the materials for the portal, it had taken him forever.

Supposedly he shouldn’t have taken materials for this, but well. This plan was only in case the second one failed. And how spectacularly it failed. The time machine was a total failure, it took him to alpha but not the correct one (_Dead white eyes observing, it knows what he was trying, it didn’t approve, why why wh-_) No. Don’t think about it. **Don’t.**

It was an experience he didn’t want to relive. The time machine has failed him, so it was time to bring out plan C. Hence, this time the plan wasn’t designated to bring someone or take someone. The summoning platform has failed, the time machine also failed. So it was only left one thing…

Carefully putting down the shulkers, he took out end rods and end crystal. He had perfectioned the mainframe enough so it wouldn’t blow up again, and he had already done trials with the hermits as subjects.  
The portal wasn’t as big as a nether portal, only 5x3 blocks. He could have made it bigger but it wasn’t the point.

This portal was made to observe, not to travel.

He just wanted one peak, to see that Taurtis and everyone else was okay. He didn’t think himself capable of leaving Hermitcraft, not after all this time. It almost shamed him to admit but he had gotten attached. So he this time he just wanted to see them. He wouldn’t even interact with them, just watch from afar. One peak and he would be satisfied.

After checking everything once more, he left behind his notes on the shulker with his communicator as he started to make the final details. With soul sand as a base and end stone as the frame, the small portal sure made for a weird sight, especially with the magenta glass panel. It was even weirder once you took in the end crystal that was maintained in suspension by some end rods right above the endstone.

This portal was dangerous, and he should try to avoid to blow it up again. It would be difficult to get more materials, and being honest, he just wanted to get this done with. He needed to put this matter to rest, he didn’t want it to continue to _(haunt him, the knives it was wrong, the watchers, Sa-)_ fester in his mind. He wanted peace, once and for all

Placing down the last glass panel, Grian sighed, nervousness filling him. Taking the blaze powder, he covered the panels before taking out his flint and steel. This was it, the moment of truth. He was _(so scared, please let this work)_ really nervous because he knew deep inside him that if he failed he wouldn’t try again… But he wouldn’t feel calm about it, never.

Not noticing how his sweater got caught up in the corner of the glass, Grian set up the fire.

For a second nothing happened.

Then, purple and white particles started to go out, the glass panels almost melting with each other, leaving behind a transparent barrier that rippled every few seconds, as it was running water. It reminded him of the Nether, but there were this eerie strangeness and utter wrongness of the portal that made any connection almost impossible.

He waited, feeling as if his heart would fall out of this cheat with how erratically it beat. The portal just swirled erratically, not focusing on anything.

Then, a world appeared.

Grian contained his breath, anxious as he watched the place take form before his eyes. The chunks loaded slowly, a small village covering the main place you could see from the portal. In the distance, Grian could see a lake.  
...Something wasn’t right.

This world looked familiar, way too familiar. It wasn’t Evo nor Tokyo but… The forest, the plains…

No, this was an old world. But why? He had done everything correct! He gripped tighter the frame, panic starting to overcome him.

A flash of red suddenly appeared, almost covering all the portal. And instead of seeing one of his friends, instead of seeing Taurtis, he saw himself.

No, not himself, some younger version of himself.

The other Grian turned around and looked at the portal, and Grian belatedly registered he was now taller than the other. In front of him was none other than NPC Grian. This wasn’t the world of his friends, this was his old world.

“.....Grian?” Before Grian could react, the robot had approached the small portal, one hand extended to touch the frame. Panic gripped him, this wasn’t stable, anything, the smallest touch to the glass could make this entire thing blow up.

“No, wait don’t touch it!” He screamed as he tried to back off, accidentally ripping apart the sleeve of his sweater in the corner of the glass panel it was caught up.

The panel cracked ominously, and the ground started to shake, the end crystal starting to glow in pulses, each one going darker and darker. Before either of them could react, the portal exploded.

The blast destroyed everything in its path, shulker boxes cracked and missing pieces, the concrete black wherever the destruction struck.

When the smoke cleared out, only a small part of the charred sweater was left behind, the end crystal glowing darkly against the white concrete of the walls.


	2. Far away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grian: *feels something*  
Grian: No thanks *continues to ignore all his emotional trauma*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter could probably be on Wednesday bc I dont have classes the rest of the week.

_The storm raged outside, the rain pelting down onto the windows. Mobs were spawning everywhere, so Grian had agreed to stay inside to entertain the bots._

_“And now I build a rustic house!”_

_“NPC this is monopoly, you can’t build a rustic house!” Grian put his head on his hands, feeling an incoming headache. Robot Grian had decided this time what to play, and since they couldn’t go outside the bot had decided to play monopoly._

_This would only end in disaster._

_“I bought a house, so I can build a rustic house” Bot Grian made a cutting motion behind NPC, so Grian sighed and let him. He looked at the table searching for the dice._

_“Anyways, where is the dice? It’s my turn” _ _NPC pointed at the door in silence._

_“No…”_

_“It’s outside” NPC stated casually, going back to the miniature rustic house he was making._

_“What? Why, no more importantly, why?!”_

_“It was too modern for my liking” Groaning, Grian stood up and went outside, grumbling all the time._

_NPC turned and looked at Bot Grian._

_“I know you are cheating, give me money for rustic houses and maybe I won’t steal the money myself”_

_Meanwhile outside, Grian tried to find where NPC could have thrown the dice. The weird robot had a lot of strength, so after briefly checking around the house, he started to head towards the little valley down the hill. It was really dark in the valley, and trying to not die by a horde of zombies made extra difficult the job of spotting the small cube. How did the robot throw it without him noticing? He had no idea, to be honest, and honestly, he may never know. It was difficult to know how NPC worked, even if he had “created” him._

_A thunder resonated not very far off, the lighting illuminating briefly all the forest. Grian flinched and tried to find more quickly the dice, he didn’t want to spend one more second outside. There was something wrong with the storm, he knew it._

_Suddenly he started to feel out of breath like something was constricting him. He started wheezing, feeling faint and dizzy. Something was so very wrong, he needed to get back to the house._

_Tumbling on weak legs, he gripped tightly the tree beside him, starting to hyperventilate. A thunder rang above him, and suddenly everything was white._

_[**Grian** was struck by lightning]_

_When he woke up, he couldn’t remember what he was dreaming about. Shrugging, he put on his uniform to go to school, Sam and Taurtis were waiting for him._

* * *

He woke up startled, sitting up as he gasped and tried to not hyperventilate. Looking around, he saw that he wasn’t in his base nor his RV van. Where was he?

“Oh, you are awake. I was starting to think you were dead” Startling away from the sound, Grian turned to see NPC Grian standing to his left.

“What?” He croaked out, the surprise still not leaving his body. Slowly he started to remember what happened. Oh right, the portal had worked.

He scrambled and stood up, his eyes widening. The portal had worked! Oh god, he needed to try again. Sure, it hadn’t opened to the world where his friends were, but it had opened to another world! It worked! He needed to go to his base right now, this couldn’t wait!

Turning around, he froze as he took in the place where he was.

  
Oh, the portal had worked… Just not in the way he wanted.

“I think we are not in our world, or dimension, anymore” NPC casually stated, as they both looked at a small hippogriff sniffing around the grass. The creature started digging and quickly captured a rabbit, not paying a single drop of attention to the players.

“...Oh…” Grian said lamely. He hadn’t thought about this, how did the portal do this? It was configured only to see not to move people!

Turning around, he grabbed a stick and started to make a diagram on the floor, trying to see in what did he go wrong. Maybe it was the soul sand? The souls were there to connect with the players supposedly but maybe he put too much?

Maybe next time he should limit soul sand? But that would leave the portal more unstable, and it was already pretty easy to blow up. He concentrated on the problem of the portal, at least to not let his mind wander too much. His brain was a mess, and he knew the instant he had a second free he would spiral down, filled with regrets. So, for now, he shoved anything he could feel deep inside his mind, in a corner for later review. Now he had to focus on how to survive and go back to hermitcraft. He straightened, putting the stick in his inventory. Now if he was correct about this… Aha!

He put on the communicator that was on his inventory, the shiny screen giving away its newness. It was not the one from hermitcraft but from this world, powering it on he first saw the list of players on the place, his name, and NPC appearing in a small list. He proceeded to check the manual the communicator had, ignoring the insistent tugs he received on his sweater. It was more important to learn what he could from this place and see how different it was from Hermitcraft.

The first thing he noticed was a bestiary in the menu, he paled a little when he saw how many blank pages there were, only the titles adorning it. This… This would be difficult. There were a lot of different things here, the most prominent ones he could think of being temperature (It appeared it fluctuated here, instead of staying mostly the same as at home), the more… aggressive creatures and…

He startled when he was pushed, instantly turning to came to face with NPC. Right, he wasn’t alone in this place.

“We need a shelter for the night,” NPC said blandly, although there was something wrong with his eyes it seemed. The robot whirred loudly when presented with no answer and tugged harder on the clothes, a small rip starting to form on the battered sweater.

“Hey, stop that!” Grian snapped.

“We need shelter, **now**” The robot stated, looking at him straight in the eyes.

Grian huffed, pushing the bot to the side. God, he had forgotten how creepy the thing was.

“Right, right. We could use a small cave for tonight”

“Negative. Hostiles are in every cave, we should find an abandoned structure to pass the night” Without waiting for him, NPC turned around and started to walk off, the choppy movement being a poor mimic of a normal walk.

Grian rolled his eyes and followed him, a small part of him wondering why the robot was not hovering as normal. Didn’t that thing kind of hover instead of walking? He couldn’t remember well, it was a really long time ago. NPC led him, sometimes turning sharply to the left or right without apparent reason. He dedicated the time to look around, trusting the other to at least led him to a somewhat safe place. Their best bet would be a village, since the only thing he could see was just plains and small forests, with the coast not too far off.

Everything here was… weird. Well, not exactly weird, but he couldn’t find another word to describe it. Everything looked so vibrant, the trees looking far more detailed than ever and he could see butterflies going around from flower to flower. It felt as if he was in the opposite place of Evo, like if he was in the future. He shoved the thought as far as he could, not ready to confront what that could mean _(He never would be ready, never never ne-). _A small poke startled him, he hadn’t noticed he had stopped walking. Sun was slowly setting down, covering the place in a shower of warm oranges and purples. NPC was looking at him, his head almost tilted to the side. He was reminded of Jellie and chuckled. Shaking his head, he followed the robot towards a house on top of a small hill.

Cobwebs filled the corners, the wood planks were somewhat mossy and in some parts rotten, as if it was abandoned for a very long time. The windows were broken and cracked, giving an eerie feeling to the building. Grian waited outside as NPC explored the house, quickly getting in when the robot gave the all-clear. There was some furniture, dusty and cracked, which he quickly moved to cover the flimsy door that was at the entrance.

He had a feeling he didn’t want just a door separating him from what could be roaming outside in the dark.  
NPC had taken over a corner, looking powered down the moment he left his head between his knees. Grian doubted it was a comfy position, but he really didn’t want to interact more than necessary with the demonic robot _(He still had the small scar from the ritual)._ Shaking the dusty bed, Grian plopped down exhausted. He hadn’t noticed how tired he was, all the day was spent busy as they traveled in search of refuge and gathered some food on the way.

He barely got the time to cover himself before he fell asleep.

NPC whirred slowly in the corner, trying to block what he could hear from outside. The awful howling made something inside his circuits tremble and fill him with something he couldn’t describe.

He _<strike>(missed his world)</strike>_ wished he could be back on his lonely world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "This is fluff" I say as I continue to set up the characters to be even sadder the next chap "This will be very fluffy"  
Lol jk.
> 
> A million thanks to everyone who has commented/gave kudos! It means a lot to me!!!


	3. Deja vú

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which NPC thinks he undertstands humans. Spoiler, he doesn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Friday and im sorry but sometimes u just stop existing for like two days and thats life tbh

_The darkness surrounded him, engulfing him and trapping him down there. It was suffocating, the laughter surrounding him from all sides. He turned around, trying to find the source, feeling the paranoia creeping upon him. He had walked for hours, never finding the end to this place. It felt as if he had been here for days, feeling him following him everywhere, feeling eyes on him but finding nothing no matter where he looked. _

_There was no visible sky nor floor, reminding him distantly of his infinity room on his base. He stumbled around, feeling blind in the immense darkness of this place. He felt so tired, having been walking since he had woken up here, he hadn't found anything here, not food nor water. Maybe this was hell for him, for ruining everyone's life, for ruining everything he touched. He gulped and tried to continue, his feet feeling like lead, dragging them with all his effort to move. The laughter intensified whenever he stumbled or fell, mocking him with all the cruelness the voice had. _

_He felt hands push him, falling harshly onto the ground. His knees and hands burned, feeling scrapped from touching the floor. H_ _earing the giggling all around him, his erratic breath and heart almost drowned out by the other, it was a nightmare. He covered his ears, trying to stop hearing for one second, the voice grated on his nerves, being familiar in a way that only made him despise he was still here. He only knew of one person that laughed that way, a laughter that haunted him wherever he went._

_“S-Stop it Sam!” Grian shouted, tears pricking at his eyes, where was he? The darkness moved, a figure tall and imposing giggling from afar, its red eyes staring directly at him. “I-It’s not funny anymore!”_

  
_The eyes dissapeared, and suddenly he was pushed down, his head bumping harshly against the floor. He gasped, feeling blood slowly seeping from behind his head. He tried to get up, feeling disoriented in the ever lasting darkness. A powerful kick on his gut send him rolling, gasping for breath desperately as nausea filled him. A weight settled down on his chest, unmovable even if he kicked with all his might. Cold hands wrapped around his neck, slowly asphyxiating him._

_He cried out for help, looking wildly in the darkness. He couldn’t see anything, the being choking him appearing as black as space where they were. Please, he thought as tears rolled down his eyes, please I don’t want to go this way, please. Laughter echoed, making this experience just a cheap deja vu of (<strike>worse)</strike> better memories. _

_“S-Sam!” He coughed, his vision blurring, remembering when the laughter wouldn't have filled him with such terror. He wanted to scream, to ask if the other couldn't let him go, if at least for the good memories, for being friends. Instead all it came out was a weak cry. “Stop!”_

_“Oh, Gree-on. I don’t think you understand” The hands retracted from his throat, instead grabbing him from his shoulders, pushing him down. The face finally appeared, through his blurry vision, the watcher mask brightly contrasting against the darkness. “Since when were **you** the one in control?”_

* * *

NPC watched Grian wake up gasping, not having moved from his corner since past midnight. He looked to the other side when he saw tears rolling down the human’s face, his processors whirring loudly to drain out the gasps of the other. He couldn't help but notice that Grian was... Wrong. He didn't remember this happening when they were back home. Maybe Grian was broken? He didn't think the human made repairs on him, altough he had made himself an upgrade. His RAM didn't remember Grian being so tall.

NPC thought about saying something, to break the thick silence that had settled on the abandoned house, but he couldn’t think of anything to say, his mind coming up blank. He felt… Uncomfortable, his brain whispered, the other’s nightmare being a reminder of something left behind.<strike></strike> (<strike>It just reminded him of how he was when Robot also left)</strike>

He frowned at the stray thought of _<strike>(his brother)</strike>_ Robot Grian, wondering if the other bot was okay. He quickly deleted the thought from his mind, there wasn't any sense of wasting time thinking about things best left behind he thought, taking the communicator from his wrist and scrolling down on it. He had spent the entire night reading it, to try to take off his mind from the sounds of outside. This world was different from home, was one of the first things he realized, the physics almost new altogether to him. Noticing that Grian had calmed down, he got up quickly, just wanting to get out of the place.

“It’s already morning” He communicated, his modulator buzzing with static at the end of the phrase. NPC made a note to try to take a look at it later, maybe it was failing again?

Since Grian _<strike>(abandoned him)</strike>_ left their old world, he had started to get more problems. The human was normally the one who took care of his parts but when he was left alone after Robot Grian left too, he had started to slowly deteriorate. He had tried to search for the notes that surely Grian had on him in the house, but almost everything that once belonged to him had disappeared.

“And then we should try to collect meat I think” Grian finished, rolling up the mangled sleeves of his sweater.

NPC nodded, having absolutely no idea what the other was talking about. He followed Grian outside, checking his audio processors to catch up with what the human had said. A nymph giggled from a nearby flower, catching NPC’s attention. He wandered off to check it out, his communicator buzzing, updating the online bestiary as soon as he saw the little faerie. He saw a butterfly and quickly also approached it, his processors whirring in little beeps as he took in all the information.

A little far behind, Grian groaned as he saw the robot following anything he saw. This was not going to be easy.

* * *

This was not his day, Grian thought grimly, finally catching up with the robot. He grabbed him from the wrist, trying to drag him away from the ocean. Of course, the robot just pushed him away, more interested in inspecting the sea horse on the water. He huffed annoyed, wiping the mud from his hands. Stubborn robot.

This was definitely not his day

After finally managing to wrangle the stupid thing to follow him, he managed to get somehow back to the house. He didn’t want to stray very far from this place, he had checked his communicator and he couldn’t access coordinates anymore. So he didn’t want to go very far from here, because he doubted they could find their way back. Leading the robot towards the small forest that was to the side, he sighed. Okay, the difficult part was done, now was time to tackle the hardest part. Figure out if the laws of this place were somewhat similar to home.

  
20 minutes later found him face down, having given up on how to do it. He couldn’t punch trees, because they just...Disappeared. Like instantly. At least he had managed to collect some sticks and pebbles he had found on the dirt, but so far he hadn’t had much luck on this whole survival thing.

NPC was off to the side doing God knows what, playing with some grass it looked to him. He sighed and turned around, looking at the sky. His throat felt dry, and he knew he wasn’t thirsty since he had a drink not so far ago. Looking at how everything just continued peacefully, as if nothing had happened _(As if he hadn’t lost everything again, as if he hadn’t lost all his friends again, as if he wasn’t abandoned one more time)_. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly, trying not to cry again.

It felt disassociating this whole thing, the gentle breeze and warm afternoon. It felt off… No, it felt wrong. Like if everything was alright, the universe not caring in the slightest about how it had ruined him again. He pressed his hands against his eyes, trying to keep calm. He felt his heartbeat erratically and silently tried to count to calm himself. He couldn’t do this, not right now in the middle of nowhere with a demon at his side. He couldn’t.

NPC appeared at his side, looking down at him as he was on the dirt. The bot silently presented him some flint shards it appeared, with some ropes. He sat up confused, accepting the objects with a frown. The crafting recipe in his communicator beeped, signaling a new recipe available. He could create a… flint hatchet?

“How did you discover this?” He asked amazed, examining closely the crude tool on his hands.

“I stayed up all night reading the manual. I discovered that I could make flint shards from flint, and destroying grass gave me plant fiber. It was easy” The robot said blandly, the static buzzing in his voice in a way that almost made him wonder if the robot was ...proud of what he had done. Grian hummed silently, nodding as he got up. They were finally making progress. He turned around, determined to go chop up some trees when he heard the robot talk.

“...Are you fixed now?” NPC asked, looking at him directly.

“What?”

“Are… Are you fixed?” The robot repeated, frowning a little. “You weren't ...okay in the morning. Are you okay?”

Grian smiled, his grip in the hatchet relaxing.

“Yeah… I think I’m a little better now”

The robot nodded and turned around towards the trees, loudly stating that he was going to pick the perfect trees to make a “decent rustic house out of that abandoned shed”. Grian chuckled a little, feeling much better. Some things never change.

NPC felt a warm buzzing settle down on his chest at hearing Grian laugh, his processors finally stopping its whirring. He had noticed the human sad all day and he felt relieved that he had managed to make fix the human. He gripped tighter the flint knife, looking around the forest in case a creature appeared looking to attack. So focused he was looking out, he didn’t notice how Grian stopped on his tracks as he stared at the knife on his hands, not noticing how the other’s breath started to go faster, never noticing how the other retreated until he went running away.

When NPC looked back, he was alone again in the forest.

It was Deja vú.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do I like making Grian suffer? Is NPC ever gonna stop being baby?
> 
> Perhaps.

**Author's Note:**

> Will crosspost to tumblr later maybe.  
Kudos and Comments are always welcome!


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